What You Heard Is Not What I Said
Have you ever said something only to be completely misunderstood? Sure you have…. we all have. It’s not a great feeling to be deleted, accused of being insensitive or worse cut off from relationship for said infraction. Lots of relationships have been damaged or ended because of a simple misunderstanding that was never talked about.
I happen to think relationships however close or casual are worth something. They contain people and people are valuable and worthy of consideration. There are people who come and go from our lives, it’s a natural thing as lives change, people move, or a host of other reasons.
What I’m talking about here, is broken relationship because we were not adult enough to talk about what happened. This requires a good bit of maturity to pull off. It also is nearly impossible when one party is deeply insecure. Insecurity is defensive and emotional when hurt and confronted so it is particularly taxing to get around while trying to mend fences.
This has never been so difficult a task as since texting and social media came on the scene. If anyone remembers, people used to actually talk to each other, in person none the less! But with these new forms of interacting, misunderstanding has skyrocketed.
But why? Are people just being more divisive? I don’t think so. Communication that is to be understood needs several components:
1. Body Language/Facial Expressions. It’s estimated 60-65% of communication is expressed through this method. Ten different emotions are expressed through facial expressions alone. For instance, a smile can convey understanding and trust. But a scowl can express anger and contempt.
2. Voice Inflection. It expresses emotion and can change the meaning of a sentence. It can clarify or convey meaning and cause the listener to want to listen or not. The sentence “I don’t know” can be heard as anger, indifference, or agreement.
Communication not done in person but only through text or written can be easily misunderstood.
I’ve been misunderstood. I have a difficult background of abuse on a variety of levels. So, I learned a bad habit of withdrawing when I perceive anger, a seeming disinterest in me or I mistrust someone. My first reaction is not to talk about how I feel or what may be going on with me. I’m very empathetic so I feel others’ emotions. This withdrawal has then been interpreted by others around me to mean something I never intended to express.
I had a situation recently where I was misunderstood. I had an event that didn’t turn out like I had expected, causing me to feel hurt so I shut down. My response spoke to the other person I was being stubborn and didn’t want to do this thing. When we were able to talk and I could explain my feelings, I expressed how my disappointment caused me to react. They then realized they had misread my actions. In communication at any level, we can all assume something about another person and then judge their actions accordingly. When all along something entirely different could be the truth.
This is what makes judgment so destructive. We can have zero idea of what another person is going through or how they feel or what they meant when they texted/emailed/or posted. I think we owe it to our relationships to go back to someone in person and ask them what they were trying to say. We should try to clarify the conversation and preserve the relationship, rather than assume the worst.
Father I’m praying for each person reading this, that you would give us the courage to talk to people when we are hurt or misunderstood. Help us to look for the best in others and not to make assumptions out of our own insecurity. Give us the grace to restore relationships we have lost due to miscommunication. Give us your heart for people, a heart that loves, pursues, and restores. Break down the walls around our hearts of past wounding, walls that keep us in bondage to our feelings and pain. We ask for grace as we grow through these difficult issues. Your grace is sufficient, and we trust You to mend our hearts so that more of You can be seen through our actions….in Jesus name.