Mental Health Awareness
The month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Its purpose is to make us aware that many people suffer with anxiety, depression and many other types of mental issues. This awareness is meant to not only make us more cognizant of these issues but to hopefully help us to learn to reach out to those suffering.
I was one of those who suffered. For many years I had debilitating depression and was at one point suicidal. I understand the deep shame associated with this type of condition. I also understand the massive difficulty in reaching out for the help you so desperately need.
For me, I grew up in a difficult household filled with alcoholism and domestic violence. I learned pretty quickly people couldn’t be trusted to do what was right for me, that my needs were not important, and I would need to learn to take care of myself. And I learned that pretty well.
As an adult, it was impossible for me to ask anyone for help. I just couldn’t risk that they would refuse to respond to my needs properly, solidifying my belief that I was not worthy. My pain caused me to turn inward to myself for what I needed, becoming a perfectionist and workaholic.
While there are varied reasons for mental health issues, mine stemmed from the conditions in which I was raised and how I personally learned to cope. The human mind has a way of teaching us to shield ourselves from pain by placing a “wall” around our hearts. This wall is meant to be temporary to get through the current situation, but as the conditions continue so do the walls.
The mind can only keep up this façade for so long and then it all begins to come tumbling down. As an eight-year-old child I watched my mother have a nervous breakdown. She had endured such abuse for so long that one day, she just broke. As a child I didn’t understand what was happening, but I can look back as an adult and see she was suffering from deep depression.
We all know people who are suffering; some of them we live with. Suffering with unspeakable pain. Pain they cannot even talk about or even know how to. People who drink to escape, who are workaholics, control freaks and perfectionists; people who are depressed, anxious, afraid, constant worriers and the list goes on. They are responding to their pain the only way they know how; most times not understanding the connection between the two.
The question then becomes; how do we who love them, help them? We have told the suffering to reach out, call this hotline etc. If I’m honest, that will almost never happen. From someone who knows, the last thing you think you can do is reach out. Fear has such a hold on your mind it feels impossible. Besides the fact you are convinced no one really cares anyway.
In my deepest despair all I wanted was for someone to see me, to understand, and to just sit with me and listen. I wanted them to accept that this is where I am right now, and for that to be ok. To understand I had no idea why I acted this way, and no idea how to move forward. Understanding and compassion are everything to the suffering. Boney fingers pointed at us with judgement are our worst fear.
Having been there and done that, I’ve thought long and hard about what to tell others to do that would be helpful. Of course, these are not one size fits all answers but it’s a start to help you see into the mind of the hurting.
1. If you see someone who seems off, distant, or down, try to get to know them. Be genuinely concerned for them. Try to get a little closer so that a trust is developed. Because I can tell you they don’t trust anyone. In this moment it’s all about them. Until they trust you, you cannot convince them your inquiry is genuine.
2. Love them unconditionally. Conditions prove you don’t love them; you only want them to change for your own benefit. They do not want to be fixed but to be loved. Because my husband worked for church, there were unspoken expectations on me, which I could not meet. When Leadership would approach me, it came off as “you need to be better or act different” because this looks bad for the Church. Support your husband. Act like a Christian. It never came across that they loved ME. So of course, I felt more rejected and moved further into depression.
3. They will continually try to push you away, don’t leave. They are testing you. Tell them you aren’t going anywhere, you love them, and prove it. This is huge.
4. Offer to listen if they ever decide to talk. This will take some time. Remember, they don’t trust.
5. Include them. Even though you cannot count on their actions, invite them in. Let them know they are accepted. That it’s ok, and you know they are trying. Acceptance is key.
6. If you use Social Media, put it out there that you are someone who is available for anyone who needs you. You will be surprised who may reach out.
7. Be patient. This will not be easy with some, easier with others. Don’t give up.
I am one who understands. I really get it. I so understand the pain, rejection, fear and lack of understanding. Since conquering my mental issues and walking in freedom for four years now, I have a passion to help others who are still on this journey to wholeness. If you are reading this and need someone and can, please feel free to reach out to me. I am on Facebook at Torey Houke Goodson, Instagram at toreygg and my Website is toreygoodson.com
You are deeply loved, deeply needed and deeply valuable……